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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category
I just drove by a restaurant, people dining outside.
me: (to Emma-Grace) “look, they’re dining al fresco”
wife: “who’s Al Fresco?”
me: “I think he was a running back for the Giants.”
the intro to “Law & Order” should say this:
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate but equally important groups: the police who screw up the cases – and the district attorneys who pull things out of their asses. These are their stories.
rep: “That is the amount needed to turn your electric service back on.”
customer: “That’s not acceptable. I want the highest supervisor you have there.”
rep: “I’m sorry, sir. Our supervisors don’t do drugs; but some of them drink heavily.”
*rim shot*
Chuckie was a scientist.
But Chuckie is no more.
What Chuckie thought was H20
was H2S04.
I’ve had this annoying little earworm in my head all afternoon. I think I learned it during high school.
TGIF, everyone! :)
ganked from one of my workplace co-conspirators. Enjoy!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet..
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
ganked from one of my work co-conspirators. enjoy! :)
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is “an apple a day…”
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a popsicle stick and duct tape
maybe it was the nuns with their rulers holstered at the ready. Ganked from one of my work co-conspirators. Enjoy!
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort , they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school . After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on For some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’ Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. ‘Well, then,’ she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?’
Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’
An interesting snippet from this morning’s safety reminder email. enjoy! :)
Safety Doesn’t Stop at the Exit March 2
You’ve finished work for the day-or night. Now you can relax and forget about the job. Good. Forget about the nagging little details of your workday, who got on your nerves, and what you didn’t like about your lunch. Step away and leave all that behind. But for goodness sake—or, rather, for your sake—don’t forget about safety!
(….)
When you do get there, try something different today. If there’s a pet to be kissed, and spouse or kids to pat, go ahead. But then, take a careful look around. In other words, do a safety inspection of your own premises.
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